Typically a couple wants to start couples therapy because there are problems with
conflict or communication; issues have become difficult to resolve or painful to discuss.
It’s rare that a lack of playfulness or fun or enjoyment will drive partners to seek out help
for their relationship.

Often when asked if they have fun together or enjoy each other’s company, partners will
give me a blank stare, as if they hadn’t ever thought about it. Or maybe they used to
have fun together but their lives have become so busy and filled with tasks and stress
that having fun is not high on the priority list, and they’ve forgotten why they fell in love
with each other in the first place.

Laughter is the closest distance between two people – Victor Borge

It’s probably not a surprise though to learn that researchers have consistently found that
a sense of playfulness and fun is strongly correlated with relationship satisfaction.
Especially predictive of high rates of satisfaction is “other-directed” play which includes
enjoying playful interactions together, using playfulness to ease tension in social
situations, or to cheer each other up. What is considered playful in one relationship
(making jokes about one’s mother-in-law for example) could generate an argument in
another couple, but the uniqueness of yours and your partner’s senses of humor and
fun is part of what drew you together.

Sharing laughs, trying new activities, being spontaneous and having fun together have
been shown to boost feelings of intimacy and connection. So they are great ways to
build the emotional bank account of the relationship. And let’s not forget that we did not
choose our partners because they are great at managing conflict, we chose them
because they added something positive to our lives. Relationships should be enjoyable,
otherwise why choose to be in one ?

A side benefit of having fun together is that with that boost in the emotional bank
account, conflict tends to go much better. ( See Sinead’s blog
https://www.gottman.com/blog/managing-conflict-through-friendship/)

In a nutshell, what we recommend here is not waiting for differences between you to get
resolved or trying to carve out lots of time to have fun together. Start enjoying each
other again and re-introducing that spirit of playfulness and fun to your relationship by
adopting the Small Things Often motto. Try some of these ideas..

Plan a different activity together. Take turns coming up with a new-to-both-of-you
activity. (And, try saying “yes” to it even if doesn’t initially appeal to you). Breaking the
mold and trying different adventures seem to increase feelings of connection and joy for
couples.

Prioritize play time. Noted sex researcher Emily Nagoski has found that couples who
have a great sex life prioritize their friendship. That means intentionally setting aside
time for each other to connect in positive ways, on a consistent basis.

Be spontaneous. Surprise your partner from time to time with a small romantic gift or
gesture. This is the “low hanging fruit” in relationships that yields far more benefit than it
takes effort.

And….. enjoy xoxo