If you have you ever found yourself stuck in a cycle of negativity, where even neutral or positive moments feel overshadowed by frustration, anxiety or a general dark mood, you are probably in a pattern known as Negative Sentiment Override (NSO)— making us interpret situations, conversations, and even relationships more negatively than they actually are.

You Are Not Crazy
When we experience NSO in our romantic relationships, it is probably for a good reason. Maybe we are in constant conflict, are disappointed in the relationship, or there are unresolved feelings of betrayal. NSO leads us to assume the worst in our partners, react defensively, and feel disconnected. We do not give our partners the benefit of the doubt, and (researchers have found) we do not recognize any of the good things that may actually be happening. We are not crazy, we are just in NSO.

Dr. John Gottman has found that it is much easier for a relationship to stay in a state of negativity than positivity, and that we intentionally have to work on the friendship and positivity in our relationship at the same time as we are trying to deal with our conflicts.

Three Good Things
One powerful way to shift out of relationship NSO is by practicing Three Good Things, a simple but effective gratitude exercise. Each day, take a few minutes to write down three positive things that happened in your relationship. These can be very small things, like your partner made you coffee or you had a pleasant conversation. The key is to focus on what went right rather than dwelling on what went wrong.

Here are some suggestions to make this practice more effective:

1. Give the event a title (e.g., “We planned a trip together”)

2. Write down exactly what happened in as much detail as possible, including where you were, what you did or said, and, what your partner did or said.

3. Include how this event made you feel at the time and then later.

4. Explain what you think caused this positive event—why it happened.

Increase The Happiness

Research has shown than even in relationships that are struggling, positive things are happening. Looking for the good can become a habit that can change the emotional tone of your relationship, setting you both up for more positive feelings of gratitude—which may be why this practice is associated with significant increases in happiness.