The Four Horsemen (or how to blow up your relationship in four easy steps).

If you’ve ever wondered why an argument that started out as a normal conversation seemed to take a rapid turn for the worse, it may because you and your partner are locked into a negative communication pattern involving some of The Four Horsemen.

The Horsemen are ways of communicating in conflict that Dr. John Gottman found in his research to be the biggest predictors of divorce and relationship misery.
Here they are:

  • Criticism. Instead of making a complaint about something in the relationship, I launch a character attack on my partner. “You’re so lazy”, “You’re just like your Mother”, “What is wrong with you!”
  • Defensiveness. Instead of looking for what makes sense about my partner’s complaint, I deny responsibility by counter-attacking – “If you weren’t such a nag, I would be more affectionate”, or by being a victim “I cant believe you’re saying that after everything I do for this family”.
  • Contempt. Our #1 predictor of divorce. This is like criticism with added superiority or a put down – “you disgust me!”, “of course you cant understand this, you’re so dumb”
  • Stonewalling. Being physically present, but not really there – tuning your partner out. Maybe eyes glaze over, you look off into space when your partner is talking. Disengaging emotionally from an argument.

Why are these patterns so problematic?

What the research revealed was that conflict happened as much in good relationships as bad ones, and that arguing and fighting isn’t necessarily problematic. What gets us into trouble though is when negativity escalates with any of the Horsemen. It’s like throwing gas on the fire.

What can I do if I recognize some of these negative traits in my arguments with my partner? 


First, don’t panic. Most of us have some of the Horsemen from time to time. The trick is to work with them to de-escalate negativity and hostility by using antidotes.

What are the antidotes to the Four Horsemen?

  • Complain without blame (Criticism). Instead of attacking your partner, state how you feel about a given situation using a gentle start-up and ask for something you need, eg. Instead of “You’re so lazy”, say “I’m frustrated about the mess in the living room. I’d appreciate it if you’d pick up your stuff”.
  • Taking some responsibility (Defensiveness). Instead of batting back a complaint about lack of affection by counterattacking, say “it’s true that I’m not as affectionate as I could be at times. I’ll try and be more aware of that”.
  • Describe your own feelings and needs (Contempt). By following the antidote to criticism (above) and making each other feel valued and appreciated, you are more likely to access positive feelings for each other and less likely to behave in contemptuous ways when you argue.
  • Self-soothing break and re-engage (Stonewalling). Instead of shutting down when you feel helpless in an argument, call a time out and actively calm yourself down, by doing something distracting or stress-reducing.

Therapist tip:

A Tip From Sinead About Defensiveness

“The trick to working with defensiveness is to be able to slow yourself down enough so that you can respond to a complaint in a calm way rather than instinctively react and counterattack. Take a few seconds to absorb and reflect on what your partner is complaining about and try and find one small part of it that makes sense to you. Then tell your partner what makes sense.”

Sinead Smyth is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT 36400) and Certified Gottman Therapist. Sinead works with clients to help them move through conflict faster by avoiding destructive patterns of communication like defensiveness. Email Sinead at Sinead@EastBayRelationshipCenter.com to find out more about how she can help.

How do you work with the Four Horsemen?

Before you meet for your first couples session or your first marathon couples intensive session,  you will each complete a series of questionnaires. This assessment helps us understand your relationship in greater detail. To help you prepare, you will be sent a link where you will create an account via the Gottman Connect website. To begin, our initial meeting will be with both of you together.  During this time, we will discuss your current situation and your history as a couple.  After that, your therapist spends some time with each of you individually. In these separate sessions they spend time getting to know both partners’ history with attention to background, family history and individual areas of concern. Once we’ve completed the assessment, we are starting out the treatment with a deep and comprehensive understanding of your relationship’s strengths and challenges.  Moreover, your treatment is customized to the results of our assessment.  Now,  you and your partner will work with your therapist using Gottman Method Couples therapy to help strengthen your relationship. Want more tips on entering couples therapy? Start here.