What is the 5:1 Ratio?

Dr. John Gottman’s research revealed the importance of intentionally cultivating positivity in relationships. In fact, he discovered that in stable, happy relationships, there were five positive interactions for every one negative interaction in couples’ conflict. Outside of conflict, say in normal day-to-day interactions, there tended to be almost twenty positive to one negative in these happy relationships. When this ratio is balanced out over time couples are more likely to report satisfaction with their relationships.

The Brain Plays Tricks on Us

While Gottman’s research doesn’t tell us why that ratio works, there is good evidence from modern neuroscience that the brain’s negativity bias plays a strong role here. Psychologist Rick Hanson says “your brain is like Velcro for negative experiences, but Teflon for positive ones”. So, in order to counteract the outsized impact of negativity, it makes sense that we really have to double down on cultivating the positive in our lives.

Accentuate the Positive

“Positives” mean things like humor, affection, acknowledgement, supportive comments or compliments. It doesn’t mean being fake or phoney or avoiding conflict. In fact, conflict is a great way to get to know each other better, if we approach it with the 5:1 ratio in mind, and avoid negatives such as criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling (The Four Horsemen),rejecting influence, or escalating arguments.

Why the 5:1 Ratio is Important

The key takeaway here is that positive interactions have to be cultivated in our relationships because they act as an emotional buffer to our negativity bias, our tendency to look for what isn’t working, as opposed to looking for what is good, what is working. If negativity is left unchecked, it erodes trust, intimacy, and connection.

The More you Do – The Better it Gets

As Dr. Gottman’s research revealed, the more positive actions you do and interactions you have in your relationship, will predict how stable and happy you’ll both be. Applying the 5:1 ratio by cultivating kindness, appreciation, and emotional support will buffer your relationship from the corrosive effects of lingering negativity and will lead to a happier, more fulfilling partnership.